Del – Rodney, if we could sell these for just 30 quid each, we’d make what? Fourteen hundred pounds profit. Trigger – I’d better see what she fancies doing. Listen, I’m gonna have a chat with Albert, jolly him up a bit. Del – Cor blimey, look at the state of that. I’ve seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking better than that.

Del exits to the kitchen and opens the fridge which is filled to the top with boxes of tomatoes. He takes some of the boxes out as he talks. Albert – It was called War Games. It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers. Then one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system. He almost got us into World War Three! Mike, just a moment – Mike…Could I…Michael… (To Singer) Oi, shut up will yer, I can’t hear myself think over here. Del – Yes, I know! But they’re still human beings! I mean, if some pervo wants to get it going with ‘arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen, well that’s his business. As far as I’m concerned he can have a meaningful relation- ship with a…with a barrage balloon. We see the lights for the waiting traffic turn green. The traffic begins to mover forward. Now, to a symphony of screaming tyres, blaring horns and breaking glass, the van roars through the small gap in the traffic. (Lots of exhaust smoke and Rodney’s continuing scream.)

Del – And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion?? Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out! Del – Yeah, course it will. It’ll be a piece of cake. They’ve been begging me to join their lodge for ages, but I always give ’em a blank. Del – Yeah, I know what I just said but you don’t know what sort of damage he’s done! He might have broken something!

There is a tiny pause before Denzil’s transit pulls into shot and screeches to a halt. Denzil alights from he van and rushes into the building.Del – Mais oui, mais oui. Well, I’ve booked a table at my favourite restaurant – if that is alright with you? Del – I’m gonna land him a doughboy right round the lug ‘ole before he’s much older! What am I gonna do Rodney? I can’t tell ’em I’m scared can I, eh, eh? Del moves a few yards away, wearing a greedy and satisfied grin. He now turns suddenly and urgently as if hearing something. Del – Alright, alright. Give me time. The first thing we’ve gotta do is to get these into another room. I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up to talk to us about buying this flat, Gawd knows what he’d think if he bumped into Pepsi and Shirley here… Albert, put these in Rodney’s room. Del – Yeah! That’s brill innit eh? But we ain’t got a car phone, have we Dopey? We ain’t even got a ruddy car, look.

Now the three of them are listening intently. Their eyes scour the room. We can hear a hissing sound followed by a sound similar to a large air bubble rushing to the surface and then a loud plastic pop. Del – I don’t know but it’s bound to be deep and meaningful. One of them Russian jobs most probably.

More Episodes From This Series of OFAH

Presenter – Good evening. Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls which went missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend. A police spokesman today said that, due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane. BBC - BBC Radio 4 Programmes - Front Row, Prequels and Sequels, with Bret Easton Ellis and Scott Turow". 3 January 2011. Archived from the original on 3 January 2011 . Retrieved 9 August 2020. Albert – He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now! Sorry boys! Del – Oh yeah, good boy. Well done Rodders, well done. Listen, you are gonna stay here though aren’t yer? Del – Don’t blame me Trigger! Don’t blame me! Blame him! Rodney, I was up there three hours! Three bloody hours! I did the loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were shouting at me, ‘There goes a spaceman, a spaceman.’ Finally, just when I’d given up hope I clattered into an aerial thing and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God that I landed on something soft.